The Mental Garden

So many people have commented, how good gardening is for one’s mental health and it reminds me of something I’ve been meaning to share.

Yes, I agree gardening is wonderful for body and soul. But it’s really important for me to differentiate mental health from brain health. I think the two are conflated.

#Bipolar disorder, in my experience, is a brain disorder. For some reason my brain is not able to regulate energy and sleep the way other brains do. Sometimes I wake up and am unable to find the will to get out of bed, eat, think clearly, or enjoy the basics of life. On those days my garden does not feel good for anything. Other days my brain is so buzzed up I can see the literal magic of a butterfly loving a cosmos blossom, and the rain water I’ve collected that sustains life. On those days the garden is bliss.

I have worked for years on my own mental garden, carefully identifying weedy negative thinking. Carefully watering the flowers I want blooming inside me. But when I am experiencing depression my brain is unable to tap into all that inner work I’ve done. And now I know that’s ok! It’s still important that every human does this work, whether you experience and brain disorder or not.

The main thing I’ve become better at is watching, with curiosity and wonder, the way depression tricks me into thinking that even my garden is ugly and meaningless. Isn’t that crazy? Depression steals the ability to see beauty and feel joy. But I rest. I wait. I take my medicine. And I know I will come out of the haze and once again hold the strong, flexible, curling garlic scapes in my hands with utter awe and reverence.