The Elusive "Normal"

Isn’t it funny that even after a bipolar diagnosis in my 20s and years off and on meds, I still have a fantasy that somehow my moods will even out as I get older— that I will magically wake up feeling rested and energized each day and not slip back into depression?

Isn’t it funny that I still assume that getting back on meds will somehow magically make me steady and productive?

When will I realize that starting meds is the beginning of a long dance, with many movements, ebbs and flows, tweaking of doses, careful observation and self awareness?

When will I accept that taking meds is kinda like being part of a medical experiment with you as the researcher AND the guinea pig, and your feelings as the only guide to whether or not the meds are working?

When will I stop searching for that elusive “normal”?

When will I remember that there’s not point in trying to recreate a past feeling?

Maybe someday I will realize there is only one choice— to feel better now and continue learning so my future self doesn’t keep falling for all the same old tricks.