Depression

Unsurprisingly, I can only talk about depression when I’m *not* experiencing it. When I’m dealing with it the thought of posting feels gross— so fake, so stupid— who do I think I am that anyone would care about how bad I feel? But when I come out of it (as I did yesterday) I thought, Oh right, I’m gonna post about this. It can be hard for me to distinguish exhaustion from depression. But fatigue, if it’s at a time when you are able to rest, kinda feels good. Like being really sleepy, or feeling physical fatigue. Depression, on the other hand, feels like disappearing under a pillow is the best/only choice because the basics of life become so hard. Motivation is zapped. Your will is taken away. Because I have been down this path so often I don’t feel as scared by this place, though I don’t like how hard it is on my partner. But I am getting better about not attaching any story about the value of who I am (or my work or ability to create) to this place of dull existence. I just hope we can continue this conversation so that people can take away the self blame when they slip down. That is the most dangerous part.